Name day and the jazz!

Couple of days back I inched closer to the big 30. here 1 inch = 1 year. Strangely I did not have the same old excitement and was more like let's get this day over with. Most of which I spent cooking and cleaning the home after the 2 month long stay away from it. Plus brother is here too! So add a dash of bickering and unexpected gifts, which made the birth day quite complete!

So I was thinking what I should do/plan after this milestone. May be for the sake of it ?
Continuing from the list I made sitting in central park, here's another list for myself.

1. Do not shy away (get bored) from meeting new people.
2. Travel to the secret list of countries you made.
3. Run. 
4. Contribute more to any task you take up.
5. Show up more than expected or usual.
6. Stand up for what you feel. Hold your ground.
7. Being cynical can wait a few more years. There are lots of nice people around. Stay away from the not nice ones. Simple.
8. If someone annoys you put them in the waiting list. If they continue to do so, no reservations!
9. Read. Read. Read. Complete the reading challenge at least this year, goddammit!!
10. Ask questions. Good questions.
11. If you cannot relate with your friends or what they say, nod your head. Nod some more. They will understand hopefully. 
12. New experiences and adventures. Create and share. Can never be enough of any of those!
13. Feel inspired. 
14. Recommend watching Avatar the last airbender (the cartoon) to everyone! (I finally watched thanks to KT and lee!)

A day before the birthday, I felt like getting depressed about the so many important things/people I do not have in life. But then I thought at least I have the brains and energy to tackle through most of the stuff. And when even that does not work, I am surrounded and supported by the most awesome bunch of people. Online and offline. So depression can wait. Hopefully.

And because its also thanksgiving, I think I can never be thankful enough for the above mentioned factors.

~nightflier

On languages

Sometimes I wonder what makes me use 3-4-5 languages in the same conversation over a thread of 2-3 sentences. Like when I am super comfortable talking to someone I will use an eclectic mix of hindi, english, marathi, french, japanese, computer (well yeah!), german (whatever little knowledge I have) and talk. 

On the same note if this is how I am evolving as a language user then what will my kids talk in ?

At work the emphasis is on english mostly. But sometimes I blurt into this mode where my mind just cannot express itself in one language. I am thinking this is my inadequacy.

Though I do not hope to become a purist* in terms of using any language, I wonder if this is the consequence of wanting to have too many life experiences (not that I have had many, but then I love having new experiences. get the idea ?) and then running out of resources to contain them.

May be I need to venture beyond the need to express. Whatever that may be.

~nightflier

P.S. good grammar and less typos always pleasing!

Templates

Some templates refuse to die. The one's created with friends, family, strangers, teachers, work-people, books, the iPad. With oneself.
There were times when I wanted to wallow in self pity. These days that template does not seem to exist. Or may be its just pretending to be gone. Coma may be ?
Good or bad. I always thought self pity in its only positive sense brings me perspective. About life. Things undone. Letters unwritten. Feelings unexpressed and unexplored.

Meeting so many new people. Life flying by you, waving at you, teasing you. That's when self pity seems like a thing from another planet. Where you may just stop by its side and wonder what's this tiny little creature doing in my garden ? Then you delicately lift it up and hold it in your hands, caress it even. And tell it politely to not to be in your garden anymore. You may even help it cross the street and leave it by the bus stop. Go take the road you tell it. And like any obedient visitor from another planet it embarks on its journey. To whoever.

Won't you want to get rid of/recreate some templates ?

~nightflier

P.S. My current favorite songs Hindi Zahra – Kiss & Thrills Maria Doyle Kennedy – The Most Beautiful People Are Broken

'An overture to illumination'

(Important things first. I want everyone coming to this post to watch the trailer and not miss this gem of a movie. Of course with subtitles. The book by Jonathan Safran Foer is equally read-worthy. Of course, despite the experiments in narration. The characters in the book are so much more than they seem and so beautiful. But the movie is equally quirky.)

Being part of world war II europe must have felt very human. It is during very trying times that we as humans shine or act more human i.e. do things which we never thought we would do. 

Alex does a very human thing by reinventing the past. Safran crosses seas for his coming generations. Jonathan wants to connect the dots. And Sasha would like to 'illuminate' (read find/search) this journey as a job, for his grandfather. In the turn of events they meet Lista, a collector. Of memories, people gone by, places forgotten. Jonathan, does that too. He fears he might forget. Their search for trachimbrod and a past so murky, brings them to 'illumination'. 

Nazi Germany or the anti-semite times and the sufferings of people, have always made me wonder about how those people overcame the terrible pasts and got where they got. 

'You have to begin where you begin, in order to get where you are going'

There is a recurring theme in the book 'One day you will do things that you hate (don't really want to do) for your family'.

May be sometimes in order to save yourself, literally and otherwise, you say you are doing it for others. May be that is utmost human-ness. May be in those trying times it was easier to do stuff, for the future, thinking if you took that terrible but human step, you could reinvent the past.

Lista tells Jonathan in a rather poignant climactic dialogue while giving away Augustine's wedding ring which she buried 'The ring is not here because of us. We are here because of the ring.' 

~nightflier

P.S. A name of the chapter from the book, in the title.

Cliche

Living in a hostel for 4 years among girls from all across the state (country even, but I never ended up mixing with the girls from across India well until the final year. anywho) most of them from Marwari background, where they knew marriage was going to be a huge part of their life once they got out of the place. We spent huge amount of time discussing did we want careers. As in what would being an engineer mean, as we aged, etc etc. 

Not a lot of us wanted to save the world. Some wanted happy families, some money, some independence. I was under the influence of Rand then, humongously, and (as Upasna's growing up curve says) 'wanted to save the world with my objectivity'*. The fact is we all grew up. We remained idealists, wanted to stick to our perceptions of careers, life, and are still doing that, but (I think) we lived a cliche. And we are still trying to live one. Not caring if that's what our scoreboard is.

As you grow up, I think somewhere you lose clarity and objectivity. Of things around, of what you want. It happens with me a lot. Sometimes in succession, sometimes in cycles. Always inspiring (to myself) from where and how I arrive at the clarity. Eventually. But the fact remains it still feels like a cliche.

I know not all of us are supposed to break the barriers and change the world like Steve, DFW did. Nor are we all supposed to find meaning through our work/family/love. Sometimes it may come through most redundant (what we think) sources. But meaning does come. If you keep trying i.e. And I hope we live that one cliche. Of finding meaning.

* I still sometimes slip into that mode.

~nightflier

On rationality

In my books - 
Moving cities, changing places, doing impossible things (of course which others deem impossible from you) for the person, anyone including yourself, you love - VERY RATIONAL.


Doing the same things, because it is expected of you, someone else (society) is telling you so - NOT SO MUCH. (does this make one irrational ?)


Of course there is thin line somewhere above there. 
But if you fit this logic, then you know where you stand in my books.


Ask nevermore.


Now the song playing in loop on my playlist :

Your heart's on the loose
You rolled them seven's with nothing to lose
And this ain't no place for the weary kind

~nightflier


P.S. I seriously hate the spacing of my blog template. Makes even 4 lines look spaced apart by galaxies! Working on the code since morning and no tweaks have worked so far :( so in desperation, the importance of the moment going away fear, have posted. Spaced apart!

I am here to solve.. umm.. stuff?

I was reading some random article (as usual) between breaks at work. Came across this question 'so why are you here for?' in one of them. How can "I" of all the people avoid such an existential riddle.


So I was thinking. What makes me feel alive? Hmm.
Solving problems does give me kicks. Real. And it really motivates me. Makes me want to jump with joy. Sink in despair. Cause a lot of chaos. But it does make me feel good in general.
Of course you will ask, then why aren't you Einstein or some such person? To that my retort is - 'I am just 27 you mean person. What do you know!' Hmmpf. The comparisons! I will just be a skinny problem solver girl ok?
And at least I did not say world peace or Mother Teresa. ok?
So anyway having found something worthwhile as an answer for myself and ridiculed myself at the same time, I am feeling pretty awesome!


Also if you read this and knowingly throw more tricky problems towards me, I will literally behave as if you don't exist. Fair no?


Also I am here to experience stuff. Even silly things like watching my bus go past me in the morning and then running after it in slow realization. Serious. Today I experienced this - the silk route and was a wanderer with the photographer. I like such evocative stuff. Makes my quest to experience and feel so much easier.


Another thing which totally gives me a high, super womanish feel is cooking. Here you can take as many tests you want and throw whatever you want toward me. I will be a super fast, duper cool ninja and turn it into something one can eat. one = any animal.


Don't believe it? Take this for demo - Had a lot of leftover veggies like half zucchini, handful cherry tomatoes, half cucumber, a kairi (raw mango) slice, bunch of spring onions, some spinach leaves, coconut. And for a lack of any other combination of all-these-together possible, I made a stew and just added to the sambar (south Indian style lentils). Very healthy goat-like I felt.

made from scratch!

On a day like today, I feel like I am here to do so much. Great illusions such days are :)


~nightflier

blabberblah

* Today at a non-work session, I was 'the person' who talked about work with another colleague. I know.
I went on to person B like this - You know X and Y work, but X and Z is what we should be looking at. For that we need to get M and N to work, together.
Please stop rolling your eyes. In the next 10 minutes I judged myself so much, that it did not lessen the judgement I feel about other people who do similar things in similar situations. Like talking about your work at family functions. Guilty as charged and all that. I am going to stick to not talking at all at such sessions, from now on.


*Sometimes I really wonder how flaw-full I am. Also how stubborn I am. And sometimes not mature. Plus given the fact that as I am growing up, I just find lesser and lesser energy to sort out some stuff. I know it isnt laziness. It's just this overwhelming (sometimes) feeling of catching up with so many things going on in life, that I feel tired. ALREADY. 
And hence I want to post letters here. To a lot of people. About a lot of things.
I now know why people talk of detoxing. Aint no judging such people from now on.
P.S. Or it may be just that I don't realize but new work and all is an added pressure, in the sense, there is so much to learn!


*I was also wondering if an office can anytime be the 'as much comfortable as' place everyone wants. As in can there be consensus for the AC temperature, or the chairs or the work-desks. Some things you got to personalize and some you got to accept as part of the infrastructure. Else cribbing is always an option. Please crib away. I will use my earmuffs.


*Talking of cutting off and detoxing, I am 7 days down in this month, and I have had ZERO cups of coffee so far. I really want to sometimes, but water is working as a good alternative. Till now.


* I read 'The Help' by Kathryn Stockett last week, after watching the movie. Well, the character of Aibileen was intriguing hence. I have to agree that the book's characters are better and stronger and have a good premise for being involved in rebellious stuff. But Viola Davis! Whoa! Given the fact how stories need to be distorted to fit in a movie structure, she is just awesome!


*I was just chatting with KT, and we were talking about how people in love do things for each other, which is sweet and natural and all. But my point was if your expectations are not met (in terms of response from the object of your attentions) then despite the hurt (betrayal is too dramatic a term na?) we fail to realize (at least sometimes) that the love doesnt go anywhere, at the end of the day. According to me that realization is kind of liberating. In the sense makes space for mistakes and correcting them and thus more drama :D
KT thinks we mask that love-that-did-not-leave by other feelings. (dont know if I got what she said :-/)


~nightflier

getting rid of the pests..

November was always good.
You had lost your voice. No drama. You just took time to find it all over again. Santa did visit. Like magic, a little early.


You opened your heart in December.
Always good. You sang, you danced, you wrote. A lot of people made home inside your heart. Wonderful.


Along came the pests. Little, crawling, not taking any of your attention. 
It suddenly started feeling like July. 
Rain everywhere. Lots of voices. 
You felt like drowning.


Feeling July-esque in February is not a good thing. You decided.
You are now getting rid of them. Those voices. 
One at a time.
Making sure that fragile voice of yours remains where it belongs.
So that you could bloom again. 


~nightflier

Home

What is home to you?
For me it is a feeling. Of years of wandering around (of course I am not a nomad, even though I talk like one) I have felt home-like at very unrelated places. In reality or in my memory. Hence the feeling is rather difficult to describe. 


Lately, triggered by a discussion with Upasna, I have been thinking about 'this idea of home' in my head more and more. More triggers followed last week.
I happened to watch Disney's* Jungle Book with the 8 year old cousin, where she kept asking me some dialog because the accent was too fast for her. While explaining her stuff, I wondered how Mowgli had it different. He was raised in the Jungle and tried to belong to the elephants, bears, monkeys and vultures. He got really good at being a bear. But everyone wanted him to be more human. To un-belong. To get the jungle out of him. His looked a reverse journey from my perspective. Because I belonged so much at home while growing up that I did not know how to belong outside that comfort zone :D It did take time, but I learnt to claim my nooks and make myself at home, with people and surroundings.
I also watched aai doing her gardening. How she carefully changed the pots for some plants and how soil for some, making sure they felt accustomed. At home. Some people do that to you. They give you a home like feeling. Because of their warmth and care.
[Aai also has this habit of sitting with our shirts/tops and making sure the stitches for buttons are not loose, at night, every time we visit. Otherwise also. I find this very home-like.]


So you must have realized, I visited home last week. My parents stay there. Sounds strange writing it like this. Aai will be annoyed if I tell her how I phrased the sentence. But then I will tell her I have so many homes. Now. Some acquired. Some permanent in my thoughts. And some real spaces. Like the one I am typing in.


-nightflier

* Disney's Jungle book movies are pretty different than our very own hindi cartoons :)

Exit..

One chapter closes

Another opens

A break of sorts in between happens.

You brace the goodbyes

You long for the welcome

A break of sorts in between happens.

You sing a new tune

You lament a few notes

A break of sorts in between happens.

You brave the tears

You crave some smiles

A break of sorts in between happens.

Of known milestones

And unknown destinations

A break of sorts in between happens.

You close a door, to be reopened later

Another door awaits, to be opened sooner

A break of sorts in between happens.

Another job. Another change. I am getting good at this maybe.

Saying byes does not seem burdensome now.

Also, I have sent individual notes/mails to people who were part of life here, which strangely gives a sense of calm.

I feel somehow ready to take another plunge :D Of course after a break ;)

~nightflier

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick..

The first thing that strikes you while reading Emma Donoghue's 'Room' is Jack's innocence, wisdom, and love for his Ma. But would not that be obvious? What else a 5 year old should be full of?

from google images

And that is why I liked 'Room'. Because the unusual situation the child and the parent are in (I am trying really hard to avoid spoilers here), telling the story through Jack's eyes. Of course that way you don't get to understand a lot of whys but it is a pretty unbiased view. In the sense, you do not really think about why the bad stuff happened, or why did the mother do so and not so. To me that was a narrative triumph. 


*spoiler/s ahoy (cant resist myself anymore)*
Also makes me wonder, how would I like to be 'Outside' not knowing there was an 'Outside'. But then I haven't been isolated for more than 7 days (knowing there is an Outside) and I have just discussed with brother how that austrian man should be punished (the story is inspired from that incident) and read about the stockholm syndrome. (talking/knowing about something and actually experiencing are a little tangential things, no?)


Of course, everyone finds closure and deals with the 'Outside' in their own way. Everyone has their own 'Room' too. Its unsettling to be in Jack and Ma's shoes though. Physically.
As Jack would say, I would say everyone feels a little 'scave' (that's scared + brave) all the time.


-nightflier

P.S. As usual while reading the book I had this *thought* that someone should make a hindi movie on the book with Vidya Balan as Ma. 

growing up (with tina fey)

I absolutely love it when people share their growing up stories. Not so much as a medium for an insight into the person who they are now, but just how we all are (can be) bonded by similar stories. It is fun and reflective!


I just finished reading Tina Fey's autobiography Bossypants, which btw Ketaki gifted me (thank you once again :D). I love 30 rock. I love how unconventional it is. I love that it gave me good company over alone meals on so many nights (there goes all genuine praise for 30 rock replaced by my personal motives to bring forth my own story). And I like Tina Fey too. Well not because she is a woman who is a stand up comic. Because she is herself. Mostly. And that's big deal, being yourself and being funny about it.


Its funny, how she described a growing up incident which resonated with me. She was stabbed across the face when she was young (a teenager) and she said in the book that she could tell a whole lot about anyone she met after this incident, depending on the time they took to ask her about the scar.
I have a personal little story. I was really sick when I was 14 and I lost a lot of my scalp hair (it sounds better than I went bald at 14, right ?). And exactly like she said, I could tell a whole lot about a whole bunch of people (whom I met till the time my hair had grown back) depending on when and how they mentioned 'all this about me'. Some people never mentioned anything. For the record.
[update : I am doing very good now. 12 years hence, great scalp hair, no hair loss apart from the routine.]


Its fun to be doted over and being taken care of, especially when you are 14 and not well. But its not at all fun to be center of some pity party. Apart from my family I have very few favorites among the people I have met during that phase. And I am telling you I have a very good memory. Specially of people who were very non-chalant and non-fussy about it.


I do not want to make any point by sharing all this personal stuff. I dont even want to delve into what goes inside people's brains (or whatever's on top of their shoulder). 
I am just saying, there's a whole lot you can tell about someone by the kind of questions they ask or inquiries they make.


I recently read Tanvi's post about WUWT. That also made me think about all the silly comments people *always* make by doing comparisons!


-nightflier


P.S. The book is a nice and light read, in case you were wondering!
P.P.S. I too ask silly questions sometimes. Never mind!
P.P.P.S. This job-transitioning-layover-period sucks! All I am doing these days is read books! In case you were wondering :D
4P.S. Did you notice the (over)use of 'fun' in this post ? :-|

On being compassionate

Sometimes strange behavior of people (towards me) totally shifts my bearings.
But knowing that most of them have been around here for the same amount of time as me (27 something, maybe more, maybe less), makes me feel ok. It awakens a strange compassion inside me.


I hope that's the case with them too! :D


-nightflier

the way of grace and nature

meandering in the vastness
courtesy - google

The O'Brien's have lost a son. We will never know which, how and when (somewhere in the 1960's maybe). The gentle, forgiving, loving mother can't seek the why. She knows life should go on. When you lose someone the whys are the toughest to get an answer for. Such is the human condition. 


Loss is painful. Existence after experiencing loss feels even more so. Still, we always ask the why. We contemplate everything. Even existence.


And what Terrence Malick shows, through the most evocative imagery is a montage called life. In its most infinitesimal form, of a family in Texas. Of idyllic summers and graceful family values and upbringing. He also shows us the evolution of the universe itself. He is trying to make sense of it all as well. There are no answers. Only life and the existence that we have got here. In whatever form it may be.


You weep after seeing the big bang, an opera-tic crescendo in the background. You are instantly transported to your own childhood, your own growing up period. And you know nothing is going to make sense. Because existence is like that.

courtesy - google

I am not as evolved as Mr. Malick, but if someday I do become that evolved, I hope my montage of existence looks like what he has shown for two hours and twelve minutes. Without any answers but still so real.


-nightflier

Such is life..

my life at least...

the greatest venn diagram ever!!
copyright - nightflier

Sigh I suck at MS paint :(


-nightflier

Introspection

I read Pico Iyer's column which a friend forwarded and suddenly went into the introspective mode. The article and my findings are totally unrelated which is co-incidental.
(link here - http://www.deccanchronicle.com/editorial/op-ed/joy-quiet-659)


My findings filed in the report below (wow so *work-like*)
* The better part of my life till now has been about existential crisis. From realizing everyone goes through it at least once (if you haven't you are so awesome!) to knowing its ok to feel so to finally accepting it. That accounts for the 'being restless' part. And no it does not drive me crazy. But it does make most of the things around seem pointless. And hence I feel its quite amazing how I still find joy in some things I do. There must be a purpose to everything after all. Hmm.


* I like chatting/talking/having conversations with the same people more than I like meeting new people. Of course, I do like all the interesting stories new people have got to share and expand my horizons, but its the 'same people' in my life who keep me going. Having said that, I have to thank the internet for bringing me closer to people I might have never interacted with. You see, I *always* make space for people whom I genuinely like ;)


* Being genuine at what I say, what I do, what I feel, is slowly becoming the core of my existence. And I do receive a lot of brickbats for this. Because most of the times, I don't have any comment or reaction and then people say I have stopped caring! Which is mostly true for things which do not matter. One of them being why I need to *have coffee* or *meet* some people when I don't feel like it! (May be I do not see the point in it.) And having said this, I know I have to fulfill my grown up responsibilities. Which I do manage once in a while ;)
Occasional rants on the blog or to friends, make me rationalize this even further. It makes my stand about, living life to fulfill your own pointless purpose is above what people say or think about you, stronger. Specially not fake stupid expectations of people.


* I used to think till last year, that a balance between things would make life simpler. Trying to live the moment, of joy, happiness, despair, turmoil, doubt or satisfaction, comes closest to it. At least if one tries to do that with least expectation. Letting go is the simplest thing life has to offer. If not the most valued. Of course I think so.


* Getting immersed in a book and being conflicted, is the closest I have felt to being at peace. There was a phase when *doing nothing* was that thing. But you know how our worldly needs are :P
Also if I could, I would totally be a home-maker and be cool about it. Or totally move on to the himalayas and be literally cool with it.


* And as I recently pointed out to a friend, self preservation is a good way to live life. In a nonchalant way. Of course I also pointed out to him, I am not sure *why* but may be one day I would find it out. :D


* I love problem solving and challenges. A friend thinks I am nuts. But I just cannot not do anything if I see a problem and can do something about it. Sigh.


* and last-ly denying myself, the need to be me, is the most hopeless thing I have done to myself recently. But such things make you realize how much you need to be you. so #win


-nightflier


P.S. somehow, first week of new year being all about introspection gives one a happy feeling :D

warm tidings of december

N1 said very nonchalantly 'I always knew I was no good with academics beyond a limit, so I dropped out of the race and did something I could really cope with'. We beamed at her proudly. It takes rare self-awareness at a younger age to arrive at such decisions. Of course her family never objected because they must be the 'coolest parents' ever! 

N2 said very self aware-ly (at 27 also some people don't really have that!), 'I was a mess in college. Thank god for family and later getting away from home, to be on my own, I outdid myself and am in a much better shape.' Not that I agreed completely, but then she was so point blank honest, it was almost endearing!

I said, 'I have always been restless. I always need to find out whys, sometimes on my own. And I guess that is for now my 'calling'. Plus being good at studies in childhood, kind of shaped my decisions this way'. They seemed to agree.

Of course, we evaluate ourselves for fun. (remember how the whole is way bigger than the sum of parts and all that?) After spending eons of time in each other's company, not really growing up (or the other way round?) the candid and sometimes non sensical views on things/people, bring you together. Even if for a few hours. Bind you again, may be.

The most amusing thing is how non-insecure and compassionate everyone is. Questions/comments over one's hair/clothes/anything else as well evoke hearty laughs. We judge each other over our overt sense of no-dressing-sense during school. The dogs/cats in one's life at that point suddenly come into picture. And that stupid snob from school, who 'shows off' for no reason, rather every reason, is a point of conversation too! We almost exclaim, together, 'dude everyone has that/does that these days. What's the big deal!' From guys/husbands to the other woman (read his mother) in the husband/boyfriend 's life gets discussed. And how 'to each his own' needs to be the motto of the human race, echoes off the walls. 

In all this, the hotel manager can't really stand what good time we are having (despite the crates of food ordered) so rudely sends off the bill (very Puneri I tell you). We move on, find a coffee shop entirely forgetting that 2 of us have an office too! 'Lets eat something so that we dont get kicked out again' happens and dessert gets ordered. Of course 3 by 1 happens. Amidst more nonchalance towards office and winding up conversations with silly dialogues 'tu bilkul nahi badli' (you haven't changed a bit, when so much in you has actually changed!) and corny poses, the morning fades.

Warm tidings indeed!

Met school friends after a while, one after 5-6 years, the other after 2 months. Never been a nicer way to end an year (at least now that I know!). If I am allowed to be corny once more (other than the pics of course), they truly have seen the real me! :D

~nightflier

on time travel

I am reading the time traveler's wife. And as I progress in the book each day, I time travel. To chicago.

Its weird because, even today I just have to close my eyes to get transported to Michigan avenue. In front of the art Institute. Sometimes walking from Roosevelt station to Jewel Osco. Its wondrous that how we can store images of a place we don't belong to anymore and re live the moment. 

I love the city. Obvious to love any place if you study there. Also though I believe in trying to live the present and the moment, its at times absurd that I have to time travel to these images. Of past. Time gone by. Going to places where you want to linger but not necessarily live or be a part of. It is at times, better than looking at photographs. Words take me there effortlessly. So personal it is.

A friend of mine thinks, that may be I should not have come back. I sense regret there. But then would I have time traveled like this ?

Somehow I like the romantic notion of going back to images in your head. Fondly. Sometimes objectively.

~nightflier

What keeps you going?

Sounds like a really philosophical question. But the other day read Neha's post and commented whatever came to my mind at that point (I like spontaneous comments, give you a clear picture, don't they?).

and she counter commented and asked the question in the title.

Hmm. Umm. Hmm. :D

But whatever I said in the comment, I hold true to it. I know there are days in a row when I have to give myself a reason to look forward to things coming along. It is not always easy but its fun. All the mind games my mind makes me play! :P

True to what I said earlier, here's a list (damn!) of things which make me hold back, particularly not in any order. Also a product of time and lifestyle. Many of these things were not a part of my life as a grad student or hostelite.

• Bus rides to work and books I read during that time. I have become really obsessive with books lately. (surprise!) With normally two books running parallel, and trying to read not more than 50 pages of a book any day,  the what's next in the book, keeps me going. Obsessions like these keep me going.
• On the days when I am not feeling like reading (never on any given morning and occasionally on return journeys from work), I sit immediately behind the driver. I like to feel the thrill of his rash driving. Its an old habit. And I am no Senna but speed makes me feel alive.
• Twitter banter with friends. Most of it is teenage-y and high school types. But what the heck! We aren't growing up anyway. Might as well relish it.
• Her posts.
• Buying vegetables from my subji-wale uncle and aunty. I like my vegetables fresh and hence indulge in this a lot.
• At work, its mostly some problem I have to solve. Totally kicks me.
• Strangely after more than 15 years of schooling, exams still excite me. Japanese or python. Tests bring the fighter out of me. Sheesh. I feel lame.
• Trying to imitate a aai-special dish. Sometimes just her style of fodni-tadka (what does one call this in english?) In general cooking lifts me up in more than one ways. *Always* works. Almost.
• The idea that there is so much to travel and explore. Day dreaming about Morocco, the north east, Bruges or Peru.

I guess I have bored Neha enough with all this :D

But anyway, discovering small things to be happy/grateful about is what holds me back. Most of the times. And on the utterly off days, I simply take a break and don't get out of my comforter :P Simple.

~nightflier