What keeps you going?

Sounds like a really philosophical question. But the other day read Neha's post and commented whatever came to my mind at that point (I like spontaneous comments, give you a clear picture, don't they?).

and she counter commented and asked the question in the title.

Hmm. Umm. Hmm. :D

But whatever I said in the comment, I hold true to it. I know there are days in a row when I have to give myself a reason to look forward to things coming along. It is not always easy but its fun. All the mind games my mind makes me play! :P

True to what I said earlier, here's a list (damn!) of things which make me hold back, particularly not in any order. Also a product of time and lifestyle. Many of these things were not a part of my life as a grad student or hostelite.

• Bus rides to work and books I read during that time. I have become really obsessive with books lately. (surprise!) With normally two books running parallel, and trying to read not more than 50 pages of a book any day,  the what's next in the book, keeps me going. Obsessions like these keep me going.
• On the days when I am not feeling like reading (never on any given morning and occasionally on return journeys from work), I sit immediately behind the driver. I like to feel the thrill of his rash driving. Its an old habit. And I am no Senna but speed makes me feel alive.
• Twitter banter with friends. Most of it is teenage-y and high school types. But what the heck! We aren't growing up anyway. Might as well relish it.
• Her posts.
• Buying vegetables from my subji-wale uncle and aunty. I like my vegetables fresh and hence indulge in this a lot.
• At work, its mostly some problem I have to solve. Totally kicks me.
• Strangely after more than 15 years of schooling, exams still excite me. Japanese or python. Tests bring the fighter out of me. Sheesh. I feel lame.
• Trying to imitate a aai-special dish. Sometimes just her style of fodni-tadka (what does one call this in english?) In general cooking lifts me up in more than one ways. *Always* works. Almost.
• The idea that there is so much to travel and explore. Day dreaming about Morocco, the north east, Bruges or Peru.

I guess I have bored Neha enough with all this :D

But anyway, discovering small things to be happy/grateful about is what holds me back. Most of the times. And on the utterly off days, I simply take a break and don't get out of my comforter :P Simple.

~nightflier

phew!

Moving/shifting is good for the soul. Specially if you are the archer types. Since most of the mess I (we) create, is in the head, starting to live in a new place feels like a fresh start. At least in the head. Plus the newer the old illusion, the better fool you can make out of yourself. Anywho I don't like condescending talk specially from me-to-me. Because, even though I *sometimes* appear like this sorted out, zen person to myself, *sometimes* I am not. :P


Digression. Digression.


The new place is so spacious and nice. I instantly felt connected.
Also my bed is adjacent to this huge window, from where I can gaze into the lovely weather (on weekends only, sob) and pass time without even getting out of the house. Lame confession, I have a thing for windows, give me one and I can sit through the day with a cup of coffee or a book without troubling anyone the slightest bit. So anywho, the kitchen is even bigger. Plus I am not sharing it with anyone, so I get to be the boss! And I am practicing all the monica gellar-ish traits of my ex-roomie, in a good way. Yay!

google image

But the house still does not have this! -> 
Alas. But I have the build myself a book-shelf project. So until then, I guess I don't mind living without a walk-in closet! :D


Oh yes and the internet at home got activated today. Finally. I must not have missed blogger so much. The way I was glued to the laptop proves it :( But the unplanned hiatus kind of worked, as I hardly missed facebook and other stuff. I feel *zen* like. Again. Almost ;-)


Anywho, a lot more awaits my blog space. Japanese. Do you get the zen fixation ? ;-)


~nightflier

back to business

I do not know if this is what happens with you, but if I am pressed beyond a point regarding anything, I shut myself in my own world. Must be some childhood incident or reaction that I still behave this way. (I think I have watched lots of movies and read enough books which co-relate weird behavior patterns to childhood memories hence have this concept inside my head of relating any (traumatic :D) thing to childhood)


Escapist ? May be. It isn't about happiness or peace of mind, its about being myself. There is this constant struggle, chaos, strife. As it is trying to live life on one's own terms is dramatic enough. And some people can't get enough of adding more spice to it. I would seriously prefer people to turn less nosy.


With my share of problems and troubles, I have enough on my plate already. If you cant be supportive then please at least don't be revolting. Oh and despite all this if I appear happy to anyone, that's cause I am. My problems don't stop me from being so.


****End of Rant directed at general public****


And what's with people cracking Rajni jokes over the Japan quake!! People are dying there. Its a threat to mankind if those reactors explode anymore. I think these people need some sensitivity transplant. I am bugged beyond measure by such people.


****End of Rant  - II****


I think we all act self righteously at some point in life. Though I would like to believe to each his own, sometimes situations make it difficult to have a single sane perspective. Of course relativity wins. 
Genuine people are being missed out here. Kindly pay heed to my rants.


****End of rant - III****


~nightflier

learn. un-learn. re-learn.

The problem with an analytical mind is it thinks a lot. And if gets even better company, it goes into over drive.


I think I am pretty much self aware (with an annoyingly strong (sub)conscious which always advocates not being mean). I not only observe myself, I also end up analyzing behavioral patterns of myself, people in my life and sometimes on larger scales (depending on how much free time I have) society.


So it is something related to very mundane. 4 years back when I had to learn electric machines, I did it without much fuss, in spite of knowing I had a phobia for it but very well aware that studying is the only way to pass. 4 years down the line, I am required to study some mathematical stuff which will not be asked in any exam (rather more experimental and research kind of stuff), I do it without any doubts/questions/fuss. Again. Very happy about the entire process. But few days ago I was asked to study those darned machines again and I just could not bring myself to give my 100%. So in this growing old process, my awareness that my life will be better without putting 100% to it, killed the fun/excitement I once found in learning ? [part of this sentence is as put by the even better company I talked about in the first sentence]


So in a sense, in trying to make myself learn something I had 4 years ago, I have to get rid of the baggage of this awareness by un-learning it. Re-learning will not look that hard then. May be.


Attitude, they say, determines your altitude. No wonder Mount Everest looks so tall from here. :-|


~nightflier


P.S. I tried and I failed. Again. Electric Machines are stupid that way :D
also pardon any inconsistent sentences. I have a bad feeling about the grammar here.

the unfinished

Been quite a long time since I set myself a target.
Here's a list of books that I left unfinished/ started but lost interest midway/ just forgot about them after starting, thanks to the ever expanding library of my stanza app on the touch/ just like that.


1. second foundation (3rd book of the trilogy)
2. surely you are joking mr. feynman
3. a math book (the one which must not be named for fear of being called names :P)
4. art of war
5. othello (had started reading after vishal bharadwaj made them seem extremely interesting with his movies)


its 4 days to go for the year to end and I have 5 unfinished books at hand. Manageable right ? 
I am doubtful about the math book since its not just reading I have to solve stuff and all. Anywhooo I am going to try. Plus I will be travelling for 2 days. Challenges! Love them! :P


Anything unfinished at your end which you don't want to carry over to the new year as a baggage ? :)


~nightflier